Sometime last year, my biological father’s family had entered communications with my mother, and they all attempted the greatest conspiring session to produce the result of me ultimately reuniting with my father. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, because I was completely torn about what I needed to do, and what I wanted to do. I know this was especially hard for my mother, because she had the worst history with these people, and there was a lot of betrayal and hurt that pushed us to escape and live life on our own. The sudden responsibility had fallen upon my shoulders, however, that because these people were related to me, I was to serve them by developing relationships with them again, and go right back to interacting with my father.
I was like an enraged child, throwing the worst temper tantrum in history. I absolutely refused to talk to them, refused to even talk about HIM, and refused to go into any negotiations to meet or correspond with him. I was done with that family, just as they were with me when I was a child. I honestly had never felt such hatred, but everything I had mourned over in my abandonment issues resurfaced violently and I encountered every scratch and scar all over again. When I tried to reason with my mother that I could not force myself to be in relations with them because I’m still healing and I don’t need them in my life, she responded with “But… they’re your family. They’re blood.”
“Blood is thicker than water.”
To think that family relationships are stronger, more valuable than non-family relationships nearly makes me scoff. It’s unrealistic to me, and because I didn’t grow up with any family besides my mother for the majority of my childhood and adolescence, I don’t even know what it’s like to be a part of a large family, and to have cousins and aunts and uncles to be concerned about. I look at shows like the Sopranos or even Modern Family with a curious fascination, because the relationships portrayed seem so foreign to me. So for my mother to tell me that I need to reunite with my father for the sake of our matching blood, it’s appalling.
Then I got to start thinking about my friendships. It is very easy to cut a friend out of your life. As cruel as that sounds, as long as you cease communication and time spent together, it’s over. Whatever years you may have invested into it or whatever history you may have written together, the cold slammed door in your face is the last you’ll ever see of them. But with people who are related to you, you can’t really cut them off because you still have that tie, the blood bond. I know plenty of people who absolutely cannot stand people in their family, and the pain goes much deeper than the typical ‘crazy uncle.’ But they all seem to share one tiny thread of disdain because they have the obligation of having to care because they’re family. I was without that for my whole life, so I don’t see any problems with not having a single ounce of care for these people who spit out random memories to me and I have no recollection of it. They are complete strangers who keep trying to put on the outfit of family, but nothing seems to fit.
If the people related to me really are blood, then they are blood that has caked over my wounds and transformed into scabs. No matter how much I peel or may rip them off, fresh blood appears and forms new scabs. There’s no escaping it. But if my friends are water, they cool those wounds and I can stay immersed as they surround me with a serenity I wouldn’t find on land. They are my deep blue.
I think I’m mainly writing this not to share some sort of peppy resolution, but I’m still messed up about this. I mentioned a few posts ago that I’m still struggling with my biological father issues, and I honestly don’t know what to do. I know the encompassing bubble around this whole thing is that I should love him, and I don’t have to be best friends with him. The loving part is the most challenging though, and no matter how I’ve prayed about it, I can’t release my fingers around this container shut air-tight with all my hurts due to this one man. And the thing is, the tighter I hold onto it, the more the poison from within will seep through the walls and infiltrate my soul.
I know God wants to set me free from this disaster. He’s waiting for me. And to imagine what that freedom would be like, to have no baggage and chains wrapped around my feet when it comes to my fathers, it’s almost frightening. What is life really like without bitterness and hurt? Is it really possible as a human being?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t freaking know.
But thank you for being there, for reading this, and for praying. Even as I pray for my friends who deal with incredible pain from their past, it’s comforting to know that we’re all in this together, striving for that same liberation which will change our lives completely. May that day come swiftly, but swiftly in God’s eyes when we’re ready to let it all go.
I admire your strength for sharing this. Though there’s no possible way that I can understand exactly how you feel, I feel where you’re coming from. When I read the following statement, I was very touched:
“I was without that for my whole life, so I don’t see any problems with not having a single ounce of care for these people who spit out random memories to me and I have no recollection of it. They are complete strangers who keep trying to put on the outfit of family, but nothing seems to fit.”
It is a feeling I know all too well. I was estranged from my biological father as a child, too. Not only do I still feel the void of his absence back then, I feel it even more now that he has passed away. We began building a relationship after he fell ill years back, but I was sad that we would never get to make any memories together. Now that’s he’s gone, it’s inevitable. Sadly enough, I hate the strain of trying to maintain relationships with some of his family though. It almost feels forced. The way I see it is, if it feels forced and uncomfortable, just let it go. Forming bonds with relatives shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth.
Sorry for such a long comment. I just wanted to share the fact that your post really spoke volumes to me. I pray for your strength and for God to heal your wounds and take away your pain.
Dre
Dre, thank you SO much for sharing! And I appreciate so much your encouraging words… I feel like relationships in general are hard, but I’m hoping this process will be a teaching experience in figuring out what ‘family’ really means. I definitely don’t want to carry this burden into my own family in the future, so definitely praying for healing. Again, thank you!
This really struck home for me. The circumstances are different, I have tried for YEARS to be rid of my father, it’s just too poisonous a relationship. I get confronted with the concept of family a lot due to all the years of junk.
I think we all still have the dated notion of what family should be. The expectation that, regardless of circumstances, families (blood) should stay together. I don’t know whether one can really say that if one looks at what a ‘normal’ family structure is these days. As much as one can cut off friends, as you mentioned, you could walk a path with them form a bond that is as strong as that of a sister or brother. And losing that could cut as deep as the loss of a sibling. There’s always going to be pressure to ‘get right’ with a blood relation. It’s been drummed into us beyond the point of reason. But that ‘training’ needs to be questioned.
I do want to say, if you can look at the relationship and look at yourself and see something come out of it that is good, go for it. If you can’t , then reconsider. In my case, my father will never change who he is and what he does. And it clashes with the core of who I am. That’s always going to mean that I sit with an incredible amount of anger at the daily devastation he can come up with. And because it’s just going to mess things up on a permanent basis, I don’t see the point. I don’t think it’s wise to walk into something you know is going to eat you up from the inside out.
But maybe that’s just me.
Hi Ris,
Thank you for sharing all of that. I’m so sorry that you’re in a poisonous environment.. if it’s causing you such grief, I totally agree you should escape that. But the fact that it’s your father makes it even more difficult, huh? The thing that I’ve learned is that based on my faith, I can learn to love and accept people who hurt me, and hold onto the belief that God will change their hearts someday, one day, eventually. But that’s outside of my power and the best thing I can do is just LOVE. Sounds so easy, right? But that’s exactly what I need to do with my bio-father, and it’s okay if we never talk again, but it’s just the matter of showing GRACE. Overall, it’s just hard.
Ris, I’ll be praying for you. You’re definitely in a challenging position, and I’m sure you’re being riddled with hurt and anger on a daily basis. I really hope you reach a point of peace and grace, as well as mercy upon your dad and for there to be a breakthrough in your relationship with him. I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you and who can support you through this, and hope you’re energized to keep fighting. You and I both need to believe more in HOPE, I feel!
Love,
Caroline
I totally hear what you’re saying, though I’m pretty sure the rifts in my family are not as deep as those in yours… I don’t believe in forced familial obligation at all. The people whom my husband considers family are all family by choice, as he has no siblings and is estranged from his biological cousins. I live in the same city as my biological family, but most of them did not even show up to my wedding. However, the people he calls his family and the people I call my closest friends are the only ones to whom I can apply the statement “blood is thicker than water” because we always come back to each other and we always stand up for each other no matter how many fights we get into, no matter how many times we decide that we hate each other… we chose each other. We chose each other for a reason. Family is forced upon you by circumstance of birth. I don’t believe in having things forced upon me.
That was probably the opposite of helpful, wasn’t it? Sorry.
Hi! No, it was totally helpful, because it doesn’t make me feel too crazy that I would choose friends over “family” any day. It’s almost romantic that friends really do “choose” each other, for better or for worse. That’s the beauty of deep and real relationships! Thank you~
Well first of all, thank you for responding. Second of all, thank you for giving me a new blog post topic to go fiddle on!
I understand what you’re saying. I believe some peace will eventually come with distance – one thing I haven’t had and need for mature perspective. I can’t say I’m completely convinced he will change. It’s not that I don’t believe it possible, rather improbable. There is the matter of choice, after all.
Anyway, thank you for your heartfelt input. I hadn’t been expecting it. Keep well. I might stalk you for a bit
Here’s my take. When you are a teenager it is fine to be confused, in pain and angry and try to figure who’s to blame and who has caused what. That’s great reasoning development. When you are in your twenties, it might be okay to still have opinions about your background with the blame and resulting active decisions. But when you get to thirties and beyond, If you still hold on to past hurts that by now no one can reasonably mend for you, what’s done is done and parents actually aren’t that much more grown up than what teenagers and young people think they are. They are just kids who can bear children. They may not have learnt responsibility, may not have had their fill of life yet. They aren’t actually ‘grown ups’. I mean when you are teenagers, you think the ‘adults’ know everything, that is why we judge them pretty harshly, ‘they should know’. But when you arrive at 30′s that’s what you think the parents are, the adults, are, so knowledgeable, they have their own struggles and things they do not understand. They are barely better than you in thinking, just that they have had more experience in life, but that does not translate to right doing and wisdom. So by then, hopefully you would have arrived at the understanding that, they should know better but they don’t and whatever hurt they have caused is already caused and cannot be undone. So what happens is better to move on from that point. (one can actually stay stuck at that point till their old age dying day, blame their parents for leaving them) . As you grow older, you understand that you are responsible for your own life and stop the hurts from keeping on hurting and decide to close the wound regardless of your parents’ action. You might even have compassion for their selfish acts when you come to understand their choices and circumstances, their weakness or whatever faulty principle they may have.
So I suggest that while you feel what you feel and allow it to be so, till they resolve naturally, if you are up to it, explore with the curiosity of a stranger to know another stranger.
I think the main obstacle is the thought of fatherhood, father daughter relationship sudden embracing of an intimate relationship when both of you are total strangers to each other. So approach as such.
So get to know the other as a stranger and form an opinion about them based upon the now, and not upon the what was. Sure, keep the what was till you figure it out, to let go or not, but in the meantime, don’t expect both sides to be huggy kissy.
If you can, keep the past in the past, it did happen and it did grieve you and you have every right to be angry. While at the same time also keep the present in the present. Do not let one taint the other. Perhaps in good time and in good experience with the present, both can come to a meeting place.
What I mean is be able to hold both. The past, what he did. The memory is active so let it be so. At the same time, he is also now a stranger you do not know. So without prejudice, approach him as a stranger and that is the starting point. Not as a dad but as a stranger to be curious about.
The reason is parent child relationships have a very strong hold over the child. Ignoring him does not heal you. It is easier to deal with a person who is there alive and present for you to heal , come through. It is more for your sake than for his to lay your ghosts of hurts to rest. To be angry, resentful, sad, all these now have something concrete to work with. As you interact with him and his family as time goes by, notice your emotions, allow them their full range, stay through it and you might very well find resolution, if not, even your own resolution will come from your own decision, that is, after knowing him.
Memories of a person not present can have a life of its own. This is where the hurts are kept alive and unable to heal. So by meeting with this person who is actually there, you can lay down the ghosts to permanent rest. ‘oh, he is but a poorly miserable weak person after all, really pointless to stay mad at him, and to stay hurt by him ? bah !’
or
‘I thought he was an awful person, but it turns out I don’t find him half as bad after all, just a stupid kid who made a HUGE mistake but he is basically quite a nice guy if a bit useless and weak controlled by his mother.’
or
‘he honestly regretted his decision and seems very sorry about it, he wants to make up somehow? let me think about it’
See whatever the scenario, it actually gives you the moves to move on and not stay stuck in a memory. Then you can move on solidly in your life with no ghosts behind you and no holes in you.
Honestly, you don’t want to be in your thirties and forties still blaming your parents for the holes in your life. It honestly looks awful, a time when the youngsters would look up to you for role modelling and such. There is no need for you to be in such a position. But then too many people are and they end up taking mental depressed pills rather than take a good strong look at life and moving in it. Don’t be one of them.
I honestly think this is a great opportunity for you to heal. I am not saying to heal the relationship. There is none. But to heal you. Then perhaps one can talk about a relationship. About building one.
Whatever it is, happy exploring !
Dear Smaaak,
Thank you.
I had a lot of moments of nodding and “mmm-hmm’s” as I read your response. I appreciate that you took time out of your day to write such important insight! I totally agree with you on many points though, especially about not wanting to be in this place when I’m older and wiser. I’m 26 now, so definitely feel like I should face this beast and deal with it now.. before I get married and have kids, especially!
I’m still learning, still processing. So thanks for helping me with that venture!
– Caroline