Early this morning around 6AM, I gazed at the sunlight peeking brightly through my blinds, piercing through my lethargy-ridden eyes and taunting me of the beauty of facing a brand new day. The problem though, was that I hadn’t even bid the previous night farewell yet. I had yet to sleep, and I was the most miserable human being in the world. Covering myself with my blankets, I shut my eyes tightly, hoping and praying that I could catch a few precious hours of slumber before going to work, but I drifted in and out of consciousness for a total of three hours. Before I knew it, my alarms were blaring and it was time to drag my exhausted mind and body out of bed and into the day.
I have insomnia that visits me every year. Usually it’s during the summer, but more oft than not, it’s during the times that cause me a huge amount of stress. There always seems to be something dramatic that happens every year of my life, and I don’t know if it’s a normal human mechanism to encounter frequent episodes of drama, but I embrace and accept it. My body however, does not seem to, and whenever I seem to struggle with something, it will for months keep me up until the wee hours of dawn before crashing me for about 2-3 hours at a time. I have tried melatonin, sleeping pills (had to cut these off because the side effects were CRAY), sleeping in different positions, feng shui, wine, bathing, etc., but nothing has worked.
A full night of sleep has become a distant dream.
Recently, I was so sleep-deprived and drained that I spent a whole 12 hours just crying in bed. It was seriously as if an obnoxious, high-tempered child had possessed me, and I was screaming and sobbing into the pillow, asking God to please let me sleep just for a little bit. After all of that exerted energy, I still couldn’t sleep a wink. If only I had this immense power to stay up during college, then I would have studied a lot more and at least would have gotten some better grades out of it.
The fact that my body was breaking down and my mental state was wavering dangerously has left me vulnerable to a lot of spiritual attacks, and I have been weakened to believe ridiculous lies that crept into my heart. I have realized the absolute value of resting and spending personal, peaceful times with Jesus, because in the chaos of war, weak frontlines will lose you battle after battle. I tried drinking 5-hour energy drinks and pouring icy-cold water down my back to catch up with my day, but that only puts me in a horrible mood and I unleash a monster from within.
To find rest is a beautiful process. For you to have that one place, one state of mind where you are completely free of distractions and allowed the space to explore your heart and mind while rejuvenating… that is a priceless gift. In the craziness of what life can throw at you, I hope that you’re able to find rest. Whether it is having coffee by the beach, watching the sunset on the grass, reading a wonderful book under a blanket, or writing furiously into a journal, I hope you have something. The best part about finding rest is that it is a personal ritual with God. It’s just between you and Him. Life is not supposed to be work, work, work, work, but it’s about living with joy and play. It’s still a great thought to know that loving and worshiping God can be playtime too. But you ain’t going to see children rolling around in the sandbox when they’re sleep-deprived and cranky. You have to take care of yourself to play!
Pray for me to sleep well tonight, friends. If you have any suggestions for sleep, I would greatly appreciate it! I have abhorred being this depressed little monster who eats children for breakfast. Figuratively.